The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
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It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My diet starts in January
of 2027
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.