[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.