why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO