CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Don’t make me out nice you.
when someone rings the doorbell
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol