My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I am never leaving this website
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up