I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Not today, today.
Not today.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
is this a threat
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Stop making fast and furious movies.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.