Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
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For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
*cough*
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
i did the math
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning