*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”