(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
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[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found