ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast