*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
he looks great for his age
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.