me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
never compromise your values
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.