I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
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Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
.. do you even science?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes