Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
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You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.