Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
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“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I needed a laugh this morning.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room