I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.