[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
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Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.