One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
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I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework