When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Carpe DM
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not