I think something went wrong here?!🤔
You Might Also Like
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?