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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
congratulations to them
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.