ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
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Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is