me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*