Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
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TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
waiting for halloween be like:
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?