I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
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My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
anyone else like Italian cereal
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.