I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
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Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
New menu item
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
The Struggle
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.