“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
You Might Also Like
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT