Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather