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Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Don’t we all.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders