Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
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The answer is funnier than the question
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.