i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
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Not now. I’m deglazing.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”