*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Nothing.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
honestly, i need both:
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.