Horrifying if literal: armchairs
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Smile they said.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
you gotta be faster
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.