Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Meanwhile in Canada…
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.