“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
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Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Me irl
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.