OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
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EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.