ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
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Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I would like even faster food.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Just ordered me some pizza!
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
he looks great for his age
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.