WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
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Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.