My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Who chose this font
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.