Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
What personal space?
My dog
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”