LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
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There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.