CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
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[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
What about second breakfast?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
*puts my mental health in rice
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!