I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
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*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
do what now??
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.