Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
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To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl