[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
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Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*