Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
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opening twitter today
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
6: are snakes just neck?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really