My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.