The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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Merry Xmas.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
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me: thanks for the warning
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
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“What do you do for a living?”
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[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
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So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
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LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
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Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
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Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
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Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
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-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
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me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
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me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
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