[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
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FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing