Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
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ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.